They’re not touching, though their heads move in unison whenever someone goes by. A silver-haired couple sits on a bench, staring out at the pathway where cyclists and joggers pass every few minutes. While most people would have chosen the view of the water, I prefer a view of people’s lives. The view of the park is why I chose this particular unit instead of the much larger, nicer unit overlooking Elliott Bay. I glance out the bay window as I fold the napkins, the view of the park spread out beneath me. Dinners much like the one we’re having tonight. When you’re newly married, you see a pair of candlestick holders and imagine a lifetime of roast dinners that will go along with them. My parents bought the candleholders for me as a housewarming gift after I saw them in a Tiffany’s catalog. To look cool, mostly-I never inhaled, but I lived to see that glowing cherry at my fingertips.
The flickering tongue reminds me of my brief stint with smoking. The lighter is a Zippo, the worn remnants of a Union Jack flag on the casing. I roll the wheel of the lighter with my thumb and hold the flame above the wick. I became a lot like her and a little bit like me. You can spend your whole life swimming against it and eventually you’ll get tired and the current of genes and upbringing will pull you under. But the truth is that the heart’s desire is a mere current against the tide of nurture and nature. I had big plans to be anything but my mother: to be loved, to be successful, to make beautiful children. I used to think her shallow, back when my ideals were untainted by reality. No one tries that hard to keep their husband unless they’ve already lost him.
She had a subscription to every glossy fashion magazine you could name and collected books on how to keep your husband. Every six weeks a doctor slid a needle into her forehead, pumping thirty cc’s of Botox into her dermis. My mother once told me that under the flickering light of a candle flame, a woman can almost look ten years younger. Do they make you think of my clit? Good! To the right of the vaginal flowers sit two white candles in silver candlestick holders. I chose them for their sexual innuendo because when you’re in a position like mine, being on top of your sexual game is of the utmost importance.
I almost knock over the vase of flowers as I place a fork next to a plate: a bouquet of the palest pink roses.
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